I guess it’s pretty cliche to have a workout blog (and workout routine) that starts and stops every few months, but so it goes. The big difference for me, from my life before crossfit, is that when my posts stop and my workouts stop, I never stop thinking about getting back in to the gym, even when I know it’ll be a while. I think I’ve literally thought about crossfit every day, even if it was just a daily guilty admission to myself that I’ve “fallen off the wagon.” That goes for food too. Every time I ate a shitty meal, I would say to myself, or outloud “I don’t usually eat like this, I’m just so stressed.” and then I would eat like that again the next meal. When every hour feels like an hour you need to use, it’s hard to allow yourself one of those hours to cook a meal.
This is all completely self-inflicted, and not sustainable at all. The only reason I took it on is because it’s a good opportunity, and I knew it would be an extremely stressful 6 months, but then would be done and over with and I would have a 250 page, hardcover, published book to show for it.
The past 6 months have likely been the most stressful I’ve ever experienced. I’ve been writing a book for a publisher with a pretty unreasonable timeline, on top of working 45 hours a week at my job. This book process has been tunnel vision. I stopped taking care of myself in most ways. I don’t focus on my relationships enough. I don’t take the time to cook healthy meals. And I definitely don’t get in to the gym. My final deadline is Feb. 11, after a grueling month of additions to my original submission to my editor (70 pages in 3 weeks? suuuuuuure, why not?). The thing I was most excited about in resuming my normal life? Getting back in to Crossfit (and maybe a really lazy weekend with my boyfriend where we literally lay in bed watching movies the whole time.)
I kept saying “once the book is totally squared away, I’ll start my membership again.” But it dawned on me that I’m going to be in some serious pain when I go back, and I’ll only likely make it in once or twice a week those first two weeks anyway. Despite this being the worst time to start (when my deadline is one week away) I might as well start now, so by the time my book is officially wrapped, I’ll be able to jump in full force 4 days a week.
Today is my first class back. I’m going in at 5:30. I checked the WOD and was crossing my fingers so hard for no squats, because if you’ve ever done a lot of squats after a month or two of not having done them, you know that it pretty much means you won’t walk normal for a week straight. Today we’re doing muscle up skill work, handstand pushups, and kettlebell swings. Strangely enough, I feel really glad that this is the workout to get back to, because two of the movements will be scaled for me, and kettlebell swings have never been a tough one for me (just tiring, which I can do). I won’t be able to raise my arms over my head tomorrow, but I’ll take that over not being able to walk normal.
Aside from the exercise part of it, my food consumption is so out of whack. Luckily, since last year’s nutrition challenge, I’ve pretty much stuck with an omelette a day, and a bowl of greek yogurt with strawberries and half a banana a day, but that third meal has been a wildcard in the worst way. I mean, take out several nights in a row from the $4 chinese food joint, kind of way. Impulse snack runs to the corner store to buy cookie and ice cream. Stress and lack of sleep do a lot in the way of cravings. The worst part is being totally self aware and doing it anyway because you’ve just stopped caring. That’s about where I am, except that I do care, and I’m so done with these cravings. I need a total reset.
Since I’m going back to the gym today, I decided today was as good as any to start my own 30 day food challenge. I could just vow to “eat healthier” but I know those cravings would get the best of me if I fed them even a little. When you’ve dug yourself in as deep as I have, you need a total reboot. Thus, the blog is back.
One last thing of note, through all of this, I’ve felt my body get creaky and stiff and sore and lethargic. I know I would’ve had more productive nights on my book if I had just taken care of myself the whole time. But sometimes stress throws good reasoning out the window. I stepped on a scale today expecting to find terrible results. I didn’t step on as a measure to see how much I slipped. I only did as a starting point for this challenge and as a good reminder for how my body will change once I start treating it right again. To my surprise, I had lost a pound and a half since my nutrition challenge ended in June. I had fully expected to have gained most of that weight back (I lost 7 pounds during that challenge). Here’s where old me would have said something silly like, “WELP! I must be doing SOMEthing right,” completely ignoring the fact that my body feels like shit. Crossfitting Me knows that the scale does not trump reality. It doesn’t justify months of not taking care of myself. What it really means is that I’ve lost muscle mass that I had worked really hard to achieve. Fuuuuck that. I can’t wait to get it back.